November 1998
The Director - Departments
Grief Relief
Twenty-One Tips For Easing the Pain of Grief
"I held up just fine during the visitation and funeral service," says Mark, age 43, whose wife died after a valiant struggle with cancer. "However, once the funeral was over, I went into a confusing daze and wondered, Where do I go from here? Even now, on some days the pain is absolutely unbearable and I m not sure I can get through this."
Mark's dilemma is common for those who have lost a loved one. Here are 21 tips funeral directors can recommend for better management of grief.
Choose to heal. From the very beginning, make the decision that you not only will recover from this loss but will be a better person because of it. Find guidance in this wisdom from Reverend Norman Vincent Peale in his book, The Healing of Sorrow: "The way in which you receive your sorrow may affect, for good or bad, your entire subsequent life. You can emerge from it stronger and deeper and more mature, as your loved one would hope and want you to be, or your can remain confused and weakened and embittered. The choice is yours." Choose to heal. Choose to remain healthy. Choose to be better, not bitter.
Find caring people. Establish a support network of family, friends, neighbors, colleagues and strangers in a self-help group. Such a network can provide support and help you re-establish yourself. "Spend time with supportive people, not only because it helps in reducing loneliness but also because those people can help put your feelings into perspective," says Candy Lightner and Nancy Hathaway, authors of Giving Sorrow Words. "Talking about your feelings with someone who is willing to listen can be enormously consoling, especially if that person has experienced a death similar to the one you are grieving."
Give it time. Everyone reacts differently to a loss. It is hard to estimate a "normal" grieving period, but expect that recovery and adjustment will take longer than you think. Bereavement specialist Dr. Phyllis Silverman says, "On the whole, it takes about two years before you can really begin to turn to the future and have some peace with the past. But I've known some people who are functioning very well within a year or even six months."
Resume your daily routine. Although it is difficult, return to your normal daily activities as soon as possible. Go back to work, maintain your involvement in civic and religious organizations and remain socially active. These are all important links which will lessen your risk of social withdrawal and isolation.
Reach out for help. Be brave enough to accept the help of others. Do not be stoical. Do not go it alone. Do not pretend nothing is wrong. Do not be reluctant to "burden" a friend with your sorrow. Actually, friends usually welcome the opportunity to provide a listening ear or run an errand for you because it makes them feel less helpless.
Keep in touch with your physician. Your doctor can help you deal with the physical side effects of grieving such as sleep disturbance or eating problems. Research reveals that bereavement makes a person more susceptible to physical illness, so keep in touch with your physician.
Accept the inevitable. Eventually death comes to all people. Try reminding yourself that every life is filled with highs and lows, joys and sorrows, defeats and triumphs. Viewing your loss with this kind of philosophical outlook can prevent much of the bitterness and emotional torment.
Take advantage of a grief-support group. Self-help groups specifically for the bereaved can be found in most communities, so take advantage of these healing groups. Psychiatrist Beverly Raphael, author of The Anatomy of Bereavement, says, "Self-help groups are helpful in at least four ways. First, members provide vital emotional support. Second, there is sharing of practical information about grief recovery. Third, those who attend discover strong role models in others that are not only surviving but also coping creatively. Finally, a great emotional relief comes from sharing grief issues with someone else who had been through the same thing."
Do not expect miracles overnight. Rabbi Earl Grollman, author of numerous books on grief, says, "Allow sufficient time for the grieving period to run its course. The process is never the same for any two people. Don't compare yourself with others in similar positions. Heal in your own way and in your own time. Be yourself. You don't need to pretend grief beyond the time you need to grieve. Nor do you need to feign recovery before you are recovered."
Cultivate seeds of hope. From time to time, examine your life and cultivate seeds of hope in your life. Try reminding yourself that you have overcome other crises and will overcome this one as well. Tell yourself that you have been created to heal and that you will, indeed, heal from the deep wound of grief.
Talk regularly with a friend. Grief shared is grief diminished. Identify a friend who has good listening skills and then talk regularly with them. Speak honestly about your memories, pain, fear and concerns. You will discover that each time you share, a layer of pain will peel away from your spirit.
Record what your are learning. Grief should not be a wasted experience. You will learn much about yourself, other people, the wound left by grief, healing and recovery. Take some time to reflect on your experience. Write down what you are learning about grieving and recovering, and carry these lessons with you. A time will come when you will be able to pass those insights on to another person caught in the fresh pain of grief.
Do not be afraid of your feelings. The loss of someone we love generates intense feelings of anger, despair, guilt, regret, depression, panic, loneliness, vulnerability and many more. Do not become alarmed. Do not be afraid of these feelings. Do not assume they are "abnormal." The truth is, they are all a natural part of bereavement and the majority of those who lose a loved one to death experience such feelings. With time, the intensity of those feelings diminishes.
Forget "normal" for a while. Death turns life upside down for surviving family members. Funeral arrangements must be made, services arranged, condolence calls acknowledged, legal matters attended to, insurance forms filled out, etc. Expect that daily life will not follow the same, familiar patterns. Forget about "normal" for a while but do look forward to the time when things will return to normal.
Pamper yourself. Allow yourself to feel a little sorry for yourself on occasion or to sleep a little longer than normal. Both your body and mind are in the process of healing and need pampering periodically.
Listen to music. "Music has charms to soothe the savage beast, to soften rocks or bend a knotted oak," noted the 18th century British writer, William Congreve. Let music soothe and calm your soul. Make time to listen to music whether contemporary or ancient, instrumental or vocal, secular or religious.
Avoid certain people when necessary. Some people just do not understand grief. While no one wants to be unfriendly or wishes to avoid people, some individuals will only frustrate you in your grief recovery process. Keep a safe distance from people who do not listen to you but want to run your life. Avoid those who are judgmental about your grieving style as well as those who lecture, belittle or antagonize you. Stay away from those who minimize your loss by uttering trite clichés such as "You'll get over this," "It was for the best," "You're strong, you'll find a way to cope," or "Be glad it's over."
Educate yourself about grief. Visit a library or bookstore, carefully select some books about bereavement and read all you can about the grieving process. This will help you know what to expect and enable you to be more patient with yourself. Some good books on grief include The Healing of Sorrow by Norman Vincent Peale; Grief Relief by Victor M. Parachin; Giving Sorrow Words by Candy Lightner and Nancy Hathaway; and What Helped Me When My Loved One Died edited by Earl A. Grollman.
Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. "Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued," says Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., author of numerous bereavement books and a leading authority on grief. "Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you."
Be sure to nurture yourself, get sufficient daily rest and eat balanced meals. If possible, lighten your schedule as much as you can. Caring for yourself does not mean you are feeling sorry for yourself. "It means you are using survival skills," Wolfelt adds.
Delay making major changes. Unless absolutely necessary, do not move, quit your job, make new investments, sell parts of the estate, etc. Wait at least six months—one year is even better—because by then you will have a better perspective on what needs to be changed.
Know when to get help. Editors of the Mayo Clinic Health Letter note that 10 to 20 percent of widowed people develop symptoms of clinical depression and can benefit from professional counseling. They cite the following signs that someone may need professional intervention: "Weight loss, social withdrawal, insomnia or crying spells persisting for a year or more after their loss." Help is readily available and your physician, clergy or various community mental-health organizations can refer you to qualified grief counselors.
Victor M. Parachin, Claremont, CA, is a NFDA grief educator and minister.
